Third Places

An antidote to loneliness

Several days after Christmas, I joined some friends for dinner. I was decidedly the youngest person in our cadre, with most of the group being in their late twenties and early thirties. They were an urbane group of people, with impressive careers and academic achievements to their names. In such company I expected that I would have to “keep up” with the more mature timbre of their conversation. Luckily, they instead talked about the same things I did when I was eighteen: dating and social life. Flings and bad dates. I don’t typically like to discuss romance, but I was glad to oblige. However, as the youngest person at the table, I surely didn’t have anything of substance to say.

So when I glibly suggested my bullet points on dating tips, even so far as to facetiously suggest that I should teach a seminar on how to date as a young working professional, the reception to this idea was surprisingly positive. My advice primarily concerned itself with not talking about politics and family planning on the first date. This guidance I hold obviously self-evident, but I guess for some men the counsel is lost.

Heaven forbid I do ever have to teach such a seminar, what could I possibly teach?  In an era where the self-improvement and advice industry is dominated by the Andrew Tait goon squad and misogynist clickbait preying on alienated young people, my relationship tips simply don’t have any sex appeal and edge. The problem with proffering wisdom like working on self-love and developing confidence is that they are true but passé. I could offer more tangible tips such as dressing better (no cargo shorts) or finding a new hobby (kayaking), but I doubt that will draw eyes quite like HOW TO BE ROMANTIC IN AN ALPHA WAY.

I asked myself then what could I possibly say that would be novel? As I toyed with this exercise, my mind would repeatedly cast itself on “Third Places”, a term penned by late sociologist Ray Oldenburg referring to venues dedicated to non-essential functions. In less wonky terms, a third place is anywhere that welcomes hanging out: restaurants, the bowling alley, game stores, or skate parks. By definition, third places can cover a wide-swath of locales, but I will generalize them as anywhere physical you can make friends. 

Some readers may be upset that I intimated that the secret to finding the hunnies is essentially putting yourself out there. This is certainly easier said than done. For those who have struggled to make friends, this recommendation comes off as dismissive. I remember being told this in my late teens, deeply frustrated by how alienated I felt in high school and feeling insulted by being told that my loneliness stemmed from shyness. But I couldn’t articulate eloquently what vexed me either. It took me nearly a decade to discover that the problem was perhaps more geographical in nature. I went to school and I went home. There were no third places. 

My isolating lifestyle as a teen should read to many as familiar. It simply never occurred to me that I could have hobbies that involved not looking at my phone and going out of the house, congregating with people. Furthermore, it also never occurred to me that hobbies can help you make friends. As I grew of age during the mass proliferation of social media like Instagram and Snapchat, it seemed as if the world was a small pond and I was a small fish, limited in my options for escape. This internet-informed rut that followed me a little less than a decade ago is now the rule and not the exception for zoomers. Modern socialization is nearly completely digital. In this day and age, the need for a renaissance of physical leisure and community is more dire than ever. 

But even as our third spaces slowly disappear, we can take heart in knowing that we can escape this self-imposed ennui. In the seeming absence of leisurely locales, I promise you that they are there. Churches, community recreation centers, libraries, tennis courts, to name a few. I also promise you that you are not the only practitioner of your obscure hobby. You can find others to do it with you. You may even find a romantic interest who shares your love of model trains and hot yoga.

All this comes at the expense of convenience, but the sacrifice has precious returns. The antidote to my severe bout of loneliness  after moving to DC was leaving my apartment, finding those who would indulge in common interests with me. Biking, running, karaoke, China-watching, and article clubs. Looking for those third places were hard earned, but I have gladly landed on my feet. I would be remiss in not acknowledging that most of the readers of this article will be the people who took a chance and welcomed me into their homes and activities. My gratitude for their generosity is daily and I apologize if this isn’t communicated. 

In the rare occurrence that I am tasked with hosting this dating seminar, I would like to end with this prayer for relief. We do not have to subscribe to Tinder Premium or master the pseudoscience of rizz and mewing, we just need to be at the right place at the right time. Look for those third spaces. Shawty will be there.